How parenting affects children.

"I had tried and tried to get them to see me. If I wasn't an accident, if my mother was telling me the truth, wasn't this worse? If I wasn't an accident, mustn't I be a crushing disappointment? My father couldn't bear to be with me. It was as if to do so, caused him more physical pain than all his ailments combined and my mother lived in exile within her own mind, devoted only to the past."

After hearing Augusten Burroughs read this paragraph from his book, A Wolf at the Table, my thoughts turned to how we all carry baggage with us into adulthood based on how we were raised.

Some of us, myself included, were fortunate to receive unconditional love at home. Others were not that fortunate during their childhood.

In his book, Augusten Burroughs put me in the skin of a small boy longing for unconditional love from a parent. He is so brutally honest as he talks about the "unspeakably terrifying relationship between father and son."

This lead me to do a search on how parenting affects children. I found a simple graphic on Dr. Phil's website which I copied below.



He has a quiz which allows you to identify your parenting style. I did one section for fun, and actually scored higher than the highest score mentioned for that section. You might be wondering which one? A description of each style of parenting is also given at the bottom of the quiz. Most of us probably fit into several categories, although when I look at my three sons, I can quite clearly pin-point which category they fit in.

My blogger friend Jennifer Fink, focuses on raising boys. I always find useful information on her site.

How about you? Anything you want to share about your childhood, your style of parenting, or parenting in general?

Why is your book unique? Why would anyone want to read it?

After three days of intense workshops, lectures, practicing the pitch and several read and critiques with agents, editors and PR pros, I noticed how all workshop leaders kept asking the same three important questions: "Why is your book unique? "Why would anyone want to read it?" and "Who is your target audience?" These may sound like straightforward questions, but so many writers struggle with concise answers.

Throw in a dynamite pitch and a 25 word synopsis which you can WOW agents and editors with, and if you already have that,you're ahead of the game. Please share your pitch and/or synopsis in the comments section of my blog, if you have one you'd like to share.

One speaker said, "if you're having trouble writing a synopsis, you can always ask friends what do you think my book is about? and don't argue with them."

With 440,000 new books published in 2008, competition is very stiff, and you better know who you are--your platform-- and why the public will read your book.

Antoinette Kuritz, the founder of the La Jolla Writers conference, offered great advice on effective PR. "Books have a shelf like somewhere between yogurt and milk," which suggests the importance of starting your marketing plan and PR strategies about a year or so before your book comes out.

I think most writers would like to increase the shelf life of their book to ultra-pasteurized long-life milk.

Another tip they offered is to write articles on your topic and query magazines before your book is published. Include the article with your query, to save time waiting. I'm throwing in a mish-mash of tips, but I found this one interesting. If you're going to be interviewed for radio, stand up with your phone and walk around as your voice will come across with more expression and enthusiasm than if you sit down.

Three New York Times Bestselling authors: Jane Green, Eileen Goudge and Lisa Gardner, were not only keynote speakers, but also offered private read and critique sessions to writers. I had a wonderful chat with Jane Green after her lecture. She is such a sweet, down-to-earth lady, and shared some photos on her iPhone that she took during her interview with Hugh Grant and Harrison Ford.

I had two agent read and critiques. Both of them said they liked my story, and one in particular mentioned she found my European upbringing and parenting methods, merged with life in Orange County, and moving to another culture in Belize, very interesting in the layers and sub-themes it offers. She gave me four months to submit the manuscript. Even if nothing comes from this "experiment," I now have another goal which will force me to write a book proposal. This means a TON of work, especially around the holiday season.

Please share if you've written a book proposal. How painful was it? Apparently fiction writers are also encouraged to write a book proposal to develop a marketing and sales plan they can show publishers.

Let's not forget that although writers see the creative element, publishers are only interested in sales.

To Share or not to Share?

Because I like to think that I'm "Gutsy" and I really want to believe that "All is Good," and "It is what it is," I've decided to tell you that this weekend, I shall be attending the La Jolla Writers Conference, and I've signed up for a read and critique with two literary agents and an editor. It's about time I get some professional opinions, whether or not I have the guts to hear what they say. I'm excited and treating this as an experiment. Let's not forget the conference is at the Paradise Pointe Resort, a luxury in itself.

I like to call important things in life, "experiments." For example, when I met my husband, I responded to some personal ads in a newspaper. This was in 1986, before Internet dating, and I responded to five newspaper ads. Why? Because I knew what I was looking for in a man and I could tell from the ad, those who weren't sincere. At first, I treated all of the ads as experiments. I met the guys, had lunch and interviewed them as potential spouses, therefore I was conducting a "dating my future spouse experiment. I analyzed the results--no I'm not that cold, but I did work for Gallup Polls in Paris during my 20's preparing questionnaires--and decided that in order for a long term, lasting relationship, there had to be more than physical attraction. Intelligence and admiration were crucial in my final decision.

So what does this have to do with pitching agents and editors?
No idea, except that I shall treat this as an experiment.

I am excited, especially as I have a nice room at a resort on the beach, where the conference is taking place.

I've packed my gourmet Peet's coffee, a few filters and my half and half (cream) so I'm all prepared to meet the agents on Saturday and Sunday. Okay, I do have a bottle of Chardonnay too. Why not enjoy the resort?

Please wish me luck in my experiment. Also please share how you treat important opportunities in your life.

"Women and girls aren’t the problem; they’re the solution."

A few days ago,I had the honor of listening to Nicholas Kristof's presentation at the Newport Beach Library Foundation where I volunteer. I had recently seen him and his wife Sherly WuDunn on Oprah, talking about the need for gender equality among the world. Their recent book, Half the Sky is based on the Chinese proverb that women hold up half the sky.



Kristof and WuDunn state that, "Women and girls aren’t the problem; they’re the solution." If we make loans available to women, they are more likely to spend it on educating their kids and starting a business. Men often waste it on alcohol, prostitutes and festivities. His point is that it makes sense to invest in women.

Half the Sky is based on true stories of women and girls around the world. Kristof briefly mentioned so many aspects which he covers in the book.

1). In Liberia, West Africa, 90% of females over the age of 3, have been sexually attacked.
2). The 1780's was the peak of slavery, with 80,000 slaves imported from Africa. Today we have 800,000 slaves a year trafficked across boarders.
3). In 2004 Kristof purchased two girls from brothels in Cambodia for $150 and $200,and received receipts for them. He did this to rescue them. Problem is many girls run back to the brothel as they are addicted to meth, a way for the brothel owners to control them.
4). In India, they beat the uncooperative girls to death in front of the other girls, in the brothel.
5). In Niger, there is a one in seven chance of dying during childbirth. A 13-year-old's pelvis cannot accommodate the baby and the girl is left incontinent and often with nerve damage in her legs.

DOES AID WORK?

Kristof replied, "Some does and some doesn't. We are getting better at figuring out what to do. Health, education, micro-financing, water and nutrition aid, has had a BIG IMPACT."

Kristof mentioned other examples of what is cheap and works:
De-worming, only costs 50 cents/pill and lasts a year. By de-worming, kids are more likely to stay in schools 30 extra days/year.

Now I understand why Nurse Judy, explained how critical it was for us to give the kids in Red Bank, Belize a de-worming pill, and that the government of Belize, wants each kid to be logged into the computer system.

High school girls drop out of school because they can't handle menstruation, and can't get pads or underwear. Making these available for young girls, is another way to help them get educated.

Kristof's book is so full of stories and information that my eyes are opening globally. My one recent experience volunteering in Belize, has made me hungry to write about, and get involved with international work. Not surprising since I myself feel like a citizen of the world.

What are your thoughts on coming to the aid of women and girls around the world? Do you think this is the way to change global poverty?

Yenni, my best little friend from a Mayan Village in Belize.

I never expected to feel close to one child in particular, and this is exactly what happened to me in the Mayan village of Red Bank, Belize.

Yenni, an eleven-year-old girl, found me. I noticed her in the classroom, when I called upon all the children to follow me for their health screening. She seemed different, perhaps her assertiveness, her "tom-boy" look and the fact that she was one of the few girls who wore pants instead of a skirt, made Yenni stand out.

Yenni didn't just follow me, she studied the nurses and their treatments. She watched as they wrapped the blood pressure cuff around the arms of the kids, applied creams to infected skin and took temperatures. I could tell her brain cells had kicked into full-time absorption mode. During a restroom break--something we all tried to avoid due to pungent odors and lack of water to flush--Yenni pretended to wash her hands so she could talk to me.
"What's my name?" she asked.
I met her the day before and felt like I had to pass her quiz or she would get very upset. I often forget names but not faces, and for some reason, Yenni popped into my brain instantly.
"Yenni," I said and she looked at me like I'd just given her the best birthday gift ever.
"So what do you want to be?" I asked her.
"A doctor," she replied.
I knew it; this girl has something special.
I alerted nurse Judy Krieg to this special girl and she promised to keep an eye on her, as once in a while you come across someone outstanding, and I believe Yenni is a star. Perhaps a future nurse Judy.

An eye chart test on the children.



As nurse Judy said over and over again, "All is good," a phrase I've adopted in my own life as it has such a soothing effect on your day to day routine. Another phrase I love to hear from Judy, "It is what it is."

The younger kids showing so much affection to one another. It felt good to see that.




Angie explaining how the kids need to brush their teeth. We saw so many young kids with cracked teeth. Half of the tooth was missing.


So I have the first child I really would like to help as I believe she can make a difference in her community. Unfortunatley she doesn't have access to a computer and when I asked about mailing her letters, she looked at me not understanding what mail means. Any suggestions on how to keep in touch? Have you ever had an experience like this where you've felt like sponsoring a child?

I'm in a hotel room in Naples, Florida right now, looking at a future place to move to. Once you move around the world, you keep wanting to move; at least I do. More later.

Open Your Heart First if You Want to Help.

Where do you start when you experience a life changing event?

For several days now, I've mulled over the notes in my journal; the one I kept during my week volunteering at a medical mission in the Mayan village of Red Bank, in Belize, and I keep coming back to the same phrase spoken by nurse Judy Krieg, our contact in Belize.



This is Judy, always giving to others.

We call her "The Mother Theresa/Indiana Jones of Belize." One of the first pieces of advice she gave to all eleven nurses from Orange County and myself was, "Open your heart first if you want to help." During orientation, she described how we should approach Mayan women and their children. "Look that mother in the eye and touch her child," she said. "She will remember you if you give her your undivided attention, and that makes all the difference in the mother and her child's life."




So why am I writing about Judy's comment rather than sharing our travel adventures, beautiful accommodations at Belizean Dreams in Hopkins Village,



Xunantunich archeological site and Thatch Caye magical island resort? Because I want to focus on one aspect only, and that is what happened to change my thought process.




I realized that all mothers are the same despite our differences in skin color and level of education. A mother is a mother, even if she doesn't know her child's birthday. The love she feels for her child is universal. During a brief moment, my eyes locked with a Mayan mother cradling her sick five-year-old daughter. The tiny girl reminded me of a doll. Her long eyelashes looked sticky and sealed shut; her yellow dress clung to her skinny chest and limbs like a wet rag. Was it the humidity or a fever? I watched the mother pull back wet strands of dark hair glued to scabs around her daughter's nostrils. For one brief second, the mother and I had a rare connection. I felt intense love for her and the child and then I had to turn away. I started to cry.

A four-month-old little boy. He was the chubbiest of all the kids I saw. Adorable.





I have a wonderful life, and there I was staring at a Mayan mother, who might lose a child to disease or malnutrition. My kids are getting an education and have food. This woman is doing the best she can, and I felt ashamed to be judging her as uneducated and "inferior," to me. I realized that I was simply lucky to be born with the life I have. Why me and not her?

The island of Ambergris Caye where my family lived from 2004-2005 seemed different, or perhaps it's my outlook that has changed. Have you experienced a complete change in how you perceive a place after coming back?

OFF TO VOLUNTEER IN A MAYAN VILLAGE IN BELIZE.

When I entered the front door of Carol's house last Monday, I thought I'd stepped into a United Nations camp. Boxes of neosporine, band-aids, toothbrushes, toothpaste, flip-flops, socks, combs and toys were scattered in mounds all over her dining and living room floor, waiting for all twelve of us volunteers to squeeze fifty pounds into each suitcase. We need all of it for the Mayan kids we are screening in Belize.

Eleven nurses and I (not a nurse) are off to Belize on Saturday morning at 4 a.m., to help with a school medical screening in a Mayan Village. Nurse Judy Krieg has set up seven stations:

1) Check -in
2) Height and Weight
3) Vision
4) Dental
5) De-Worming
6) Vital Signs
7) Physical Assessment

There are also optional stations for de-licing, wound care, dental hygiene and pharmacy.

I have no idea which station I shall be at, but perhaps the height and weight or vision, since I'm not a nurse.

I shall keep a journal as per the suggestion of Miss Footloose. She always thinks of what could offer material for another book.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR READING MY BLOG AND I LOOK FORWARD TO SHARING PHOTOS AND MY EXPERIENCE WITH THE CHILDREN FROM THIS MAYAN VILLAGE. I RETURN ON OCTOBER 21ST.


In the meantime, I was offered a wonderful award from Patricia Stotley. author of two mystery novels and I hope you visit her fascinating blog about writing and getting published.



The Heart of a Dragon Award is a very special award for the blogger who inspires you and/or others to go above and beyond or the blogger who helps keep us all connected.


Here are the rules:

1. Post the award on your site with a link to the person who gave it to you.
2. Pass it on to the blogger(s) who inspire you and list why they are receiving the award.
3. Post a comment on their blog.

I would like to offer this award to Jeanie. She is a loyal blogger friend, I feel she is very down-to-earth and authentic. Please visit her and her post today about, "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are," is really interesting and insightful.